Be My Frickin' Valentine
by seven years
Summary: It starts with a carnation sale and ends with love (and snogs.) Add a cup of craziness, random cameos and a lot of trouble. Welcome to the Twilight Zone: Valentine's edition. PWP. DG
1. Everyone needs help or CrazyOOC Gin

A/N: I don't know what the hell this is. This is something to amuse my sad self when I've nothing better to do but lie in bed with my laptop, as a sort of break from my other fic(s). Don't take it seriously. It was written with a fever of over a 100 which should explain lack of plot, depth, and anything else required in a good story. But reviews would be nice never the less, as they are really the best medicine. 

Disclaimer: I don't own much here. Harry Potter and all related things belong to this super cool lady named J.K. Rowling, and the main gist of this story kind of comes from my school carnation sale. Other random craziness comes from the influence of Motrin IB. 

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**Be My Frickin' Valentine**

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Part I 

Summary: Draco has trouble with pink flyer's and badly done sticking charms. Ginny comes to the rescue. Or does she?

**

" Need help?" She asked, staring at his blank Transfiguration homework. Draco snickered and blushed at the same time.

" I never need help from anyone." He said proudly, brushing past a confused looking Ginny Weasley. " Especially from you."

" Why?" She asked. Draco considered this for a moment.

" Because Daddy said so." _Then_ he really walked away.

" You'll regret saying that before long!" Ginny called out prophetically, wagging a long fingernail at him. And that was all he cared to remember.

**

" Whoever did these sticking charms didn't do a very good job, now did they?" Draco said gruffly, trying desperately to shake off the Flyer From Hell off of the bottom of his shoes. Crabbe shrugged from beside him.

" Stick well, though." He commented dully. Draco rolled his eyes.

" Yes, but they're not supposed to stick to me!" He stared at the dubious look on Crabbe's face.

" Do I look like a wall to you?" He questioned disbelievingly. Crabbe didn't answer. Perhaps because he lost interest in the conversation, as he as often did--or perhaps because the answer was 'Yes'--but most likely, because he didn't know the answer. 

" Never mind." Draco shook off the topic (as well as, finally, the annoying little scrap of paper, which floated away to haunt some other poor soul). As it floated away, he caught a glimpse of the front and vaguely read the big black letters printed carefully onto it.

_VALENTINE'S CARNATION SALE!!!!!!_

" Pish posh." He muttered. Never the less, his feet stepped forward to tentatively pick it up. It wasn't like he was really interested. He just wanted to see how stupid this thing was. His eyes quickly ate up the rest of the flyer.

_COME BUY A CARNATION FOR A LOVED ONE OR A FRIEND ALL THIS WEEK DURING LUNCH TIME! A RED CARNATION TO SIGNIFY UNDYING LOVE, AND A WHITE CARNATION FOR UNDYING FRIENDSHIP!! DON'T BE THE ONLY ONE TO MISS OUT ON THIS CHANCE!_

" Oh, Merlin. Since when did Hogwarts start endorsing cheesy fundraisers such as this one?" He turned to stare at Crabbe, who was chewing on something that looked suspiciously like one of the flyers. Draco shook his blonde head.

" Fundraising." He breathed heavily. " We've stooped too low. I feel violated, Crabbe. This school will never return to its height of prestige ever again." 

" Yo so dwawatic." Crabbe stated profoundly. Draco gave another elaborate sigh, before attempting to discard the flyer carelessly to the floor. Attempted, being the key word. 

" Damn it!" He cursed as it stubbornly stuck to his hand. " Why me?" He enquired loudly. Crabbe gave no answer. 

" Damn you to the depths of hell, Stupid Carnation Sale of Doom." He named.

At a last attempt to rid himself of the pink thing, he banged his hand repeatedly against the stone wall as Crabbe stared thoughtfully. Draco's hand began to turn red, but he could not relent--as if he would let a silly pink thing defeat him. 

But as it turned out, smacking it against the wall was a bad idea. The flyer, which was stuck to his hand, was now also stuck to wall, which meant Draco was also stuck to the wall. Thrashing frantically about, he created a flurry of pink flyers around him. One of them landed quite gracefully atop his head, another making itself home on his chest--and two more, quite comfortable on his shoes. 

" Get off my shiny shoes, spawn of evil!" He cried. 

Hearing this exclamation, a head of red poked out from around the corner, brown eyes wide. She quickly tripped over his not-so-shiny-anymore shoes, landing with a decisive 'Oof.' 

" Oops." She mumbled to the ground. Draco closed his eyes and pretended not to notice while his inner monologue lamented for his tainted shoes. 

Crabbe really didn't notice, and was too busy picking off the gum stuck underneath the painting frames. 

After straightening up and carefully examining the rip in her good nylons, Ginny Weasley stared at Draco, hands on her hips.

" Does someone need rescuing?" She said brightly. 

" Go brush your hair." Draco muttered rudely, gesturing to her tangled mane. Ginny smiled.

" I can't. Last time I tried, the handle broke off. After that incident, McGonagall's banned me from touching any brushes." She shrugged, examining a particularly messy tangle with a satisfied grin. Draco didn't have an answer to that. He stood dumbfounded in all his pink glory. 

" Nice robes, by the way. The pink really adds something to it." Ginny commented thoughtfully, patting the flyer on his chest. Draco's eyes bugged out as she she neared him.

" Don't. Touch. Me." He declared, scooting his feet back until his back touched the wall. Ginny, for the first time, frowned.

" Are you sure you don't need help, Malfoy?" She asked, eyes full of riveting concern. " You look like you're stuck in some kind of trouble." Draco's eyes were cast down, reveling in the irony of her words. 

" No, I'm fine, Weasley." He said through clenched teeth. He really wasn't very compatible with Weasley's, after all. Malfoy's were just naturally built that way. " I very well intended to sport a very pink look today. And now I'm just casually leaning against the wall to flaunt my new look. Now bugger off." But Ginny had already lost interest in him and whatever he had to say. She bent down to pick up a flyer. 

" Carnation sales?" She wondered aloud. " That's rather suspicious, don't you agree?" She lost interest in that too, as she seemed to lose interest in many things very quickly. And then she threw it away just as quickly. Draco observantly noticed how nothing, not even a stray piece of dust, stuck to her.

" How did you do that?" Draco asked hurriedly. Ginny smiled serenely. 

" Do what?" Draco reeled, beginning to grow infuriated. When Draco didn't answer, Ginny turned around.

" Well, since you don't need any help, I'll be off then. I have a chess club meeting soon." She waved cheerfully and began walking away. 

Draco's heart sank as his last hope began to fade away. So he swallowed down his pride with a loud gulp and opened his mouth.

" NOOOO! COME BACK HERE!" He bellowed. Crabbe flinched and blinked at him.

" Me?" He asked. Draco ignored him and watched Ginny slowly turn around.

" DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?" She hollered back just as loudly.

" COME-BACK-HERE!" He shouted again. She frowned and stuck a finger in her ear.

" SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU. MAYBE IF YOU CAME CLOSER. I'M DEAF IN ONE EAR, YOU KNOW. I WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS THOUGH--TRAGIC STORY, REALLY--YOU SEE, I WAS PLAYING ON THE SWINGS ONE DAY AND--"

Draco's mind went insane. He began jumping up and down, motioning frantically with his hands. 

" OH! YOU WANT _ME_ TO COME CLOSER?" She asked, realization dawning on her freckled face. Draco slumped forward, hand still hanging onto the wall. Next he looked up, Ginny was standing before him.

" So, as I was saying about my ear--" 

" I don't give a hang about your ear." He said haughtily. " Unstick me." He commanded. 

" What?" She asked. " Damn, this stupid ear must be getting worse. I almost thought you said, ' Unstick me.'" Draco's face turned pink.

" I did say 'Unstick me'!" He yelled. Ginny gave him a look.

" You have problems." She murmured sympathetically. 

" Unstick me!" He repeated. 

" But lucky for you, I know a very good psychiatrist who can help you. Very costly, but you should be able to afford it, right?" She rambled. She began rummaging in her robes, as if looking for something. Her searching produced a white business card. 

" Take it." She said. Draco blinked at her. If he could, he would have liked to run away right then. But he couldn't, under these circumstances. Ginny pressed on.

" Go on! Take it!" She said. When he did not move, she clicked her tongue. 

" Oh, don't be so ridiculously prideful, Malfoy! Everyone needs help at some point in their life!" With that, she reached for his hand, the one stuck to the wall--pulled it away from said wall without much effort, and along the way, carelessly ripped off the flyer that he had begun to thought would be the bane of his existence.

" There we go." Ginny said, satisfied as she stuck the business card in his hand. " That wasn't so hard, now was it?" Draco goggled at her. 

" I love you." He cried passionately. Ginny pretended not to hear--or maybe she really didn't, as she was turned to one side.

" See, all you need to do is owl her at her office and you should get a quick reply--"

Draco then reached out, grabbed her yapping head and kissed her, using, mind you, both hands. He was so wonderfully free! 

" What're you doing?" Ginny demanded, pushing him away none too gently. Her face was flushed. He shrugged.

" Kissing you." He said simply. " Didn't you like it?" He asked hesitantly. Everyone liked his kisses. Hell, they were practically a copyrighted patent, sold at a store near you for your convenience.

Ginny shrugged nonchalantly, looking towards one direction of the hallway.

" Boys have cooties." She stated matter-of-factly. She was crazy, loony and still seemed so much more superior than he. He was even prettier than her! Something was dangerously wrong here. His perfectly pink lips bent into a pout. She tactfully ignored it, and hummed an inane song to herself.

When it seemed that there was nothing more to be said, she smiled brightly once again. 

" Well, then. Have that chess club meeting to get to." She winked. Her eyes suddenly landed on Crabbe, who was sitting patiently on the floor. 

" Eureka!" She exclaimed. " I knew I was forgetting something! Come on, Crabbe--we must be off to chess club!" She picked Crabbe off of the floor and dragged him along her way, waving back at Draco one last time. 

None of this made sense. Somewhere, deep in his mind, Draco hoped the author would realize this. She took no heed.

**

Instead, Draco woke up with a scream. Severely shaken and half naked to boot, he shivered and scooted out of his silk sheets to pace about for a good few minutes in which nothing of importance happened. Suddenly, his eyes alighted with an idea; he sat down at his desk and recorded his dream in his journal. After recounting this strange account, he finished with a flourish:

_Moral of this dream: Never consume beans and garlic before bed ever again. This kind of thing clearly asks for horrible nightmares, not to mention bad breath._

**

A/N:

The Real Moral of this Story: Even Malfoy's need help sometimes. Especially from female Weasleys. Bwahaha. If you're not massively disgusted by this story already, you can expect a few more of these. 

Oh and the beans and garlic= bad dreams thingÉthat's more like an old wives' tale. Although scientists say that sleeping in the cold does really cause bad dreams. That's right--bundle up before going to bed! Or go to Target and get one of those pretty down comforters. 

NEXT: More Valentine's Day themed stuff. Maybe some cameos. ::gigglecough::


	2. Ethereal Fog

**A/N: ** More oddness. Don't try to make sense of this, please.

**Disclaimer:** Me, I'm dishonest. And with dishonest (wo)men you can always count on them to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest one's you have to look out for. So when I say that I own the above, slightly altered quote **and** the Harry Potter universe, what're you going to believe? 

**THANK YOU'S**:

**macally**: Yesh, this is loony. :D And look! I'm updating! ::dances, because sevenyears NEVER updates::

**pin**: Glad you think it's funny!

**feedlesteex**: Yes! You're right, Ginny is like Luna! I'm glad you said that because that was what I was going for. And it was also the fact that Draco's inner conscience was trying to get the point across that he needed help from an **insane** Weasley. Hope this chapter amuses you also, anyway.

**K-iska-Muggle-Girl-0731**: Thank you muchly for your review! I'll try to check out your story sometime.

One last thank you to everyone who did review! It made me feel a whole lot better, I tell you.

**Be My Frickin' Valentine**

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Part II:

Summary: Draco Malfoy sucks, and so does Ginny.

Or do they?

**

" Draco Malfoy, you suck!" Ginny declared. 

" You suck more." He retaliated.

" I'm not offended." She said coolly, crossing her arms.

" Well, neither am I, then." He harrumphed.

And they each went their own way. Angrily.

**

Ginny grumbled as she walked to her next class. She couldn't see a thing!

" What is with this ethereal fog?" She asked a nearby painting. " Is it supposed to create suspense in this sorry excuse for fanfiction? I scoff at the author." 

But the painting, as it turned out, was on vacation currently, so it could give no answer. But Ginny didn't see that, especially through the fog.

" Fine." She snapped. " Don't talk to me." 

And she walked on, occasionally tripping over a potted plant. 

" Damn you!" She suggested. But then, there came a light from the end of the corridor.

The fog cleared to reveal....

" Malfoy, you prat! Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play around with fog machines?" She gave him the finger. 

He laughed and crossed his arms. 

" What're you gonna do about it, Weasley? Just because _you_ can't afford a fog machine." He taunted. Ginny's face was the epitome of cool. A typical Malfoy response, after all.

" Smash in your face, that's what!" She told him. Grinding her teeth, she charged towards him, red hair flying wild. She raised her fist to strike him, but his strong hands caught it first. 

The air shimmered. Someone yelled, " Scene change!" and the whole mood of the story was altered.

Ginny stared, for the first time, into Draco's beautifully gray eyes. Which didn't make sense, because no part of Malfoy was beautiful, or ever could be beautiful, even with the aid of quality plastic surgery. 

" You wouldn't dare hurt me." He breathed dramatically, his voice deep and huskier than they had ever been before. A gust of wind came out of no where and mussed his platinum blonde hair into a messy array. Sad violin music began to fade in from no where.

Sentimental tears filled Ginny's eyes now, overcome by such violently clashing emotions. 

" Maybe I would." She whispered back. He looked down at her lovingly.

" You and I both know that's not true. Denial won't get us anywhere, Ginny." 

But no more would be said, because at that moment, the moment that their eyes were locked in passion, he leaned in to gracefully capture her lips with his. 

And everything that was supposed to happen, did. Her knees buckled and turned to jelly at the same time--it was the most passionate kiss she had ever experienced--it was true love--insert any other mushy gushy descriptions here. 

Oh, yes, I almost forgot.

And they made love right there on the carpet, and Draco's fog machine turned on again to ethereally cover them with suspenseful fog. But it was _really_ more for tactful censorship, as the movie--er, fanfic--would have to be rated R if you caught a glimpse of their naked bodies. 

It was so romantic, half the audience began to bawl their eyes out, and the other half emptied the contents of their stomachs into their popcorn bags.

**

And then, Ginny Weasley _also_ woke up with a yelp. She got out of her soft, comfortable bed to sit down on the rug. Panting from the wild dream she had just had, she wondered what it all meant. In the end she concluded in her diary--

_I think what it really means is this: Find a boyfriend. Your inner conscience wants one, badly. If not that, I'm just really horny._

**

A/N: 

The moral of this story: Sometimes hate is actually love. But sometimes hate is really actually hate. And also sometimes, there is no moral to a story and the cause is simply that the author is still sick with a high fever. 


	3. Mary Sue Gin

**A/N:** Hark! I update. Please excuse crappy formatting.

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**Be My Frickin' Valentine**

**Part III:**

**Summary:** Ginny is beautiful, and she is loved by all.

Or is she?

" Oh, God."   
  
Ginny emitted a soft gasp. " _Hermione_!"

But Hermione Granger merely grinned smugly, with the slightest shrug of her shoulders.

Ginny felt a rush of gratitude towards the slightly bushy haired girl—here she was, a beautiful, changed woman--with a humble fashion advisor on hand.

" I'm…" Ginny faltered for words. " Gorgeous." She nodded, eyeing her crimson curls with delight.

" Stop dilly dallying." Hermione said rather crossly then. " Go show the world my accomplishments!"

Ginny nodded.

" Of course."

Then she walked out of the common room and into the general public. Swaying her hips.

And somewhere high and far above, Aphrodite raged with jealousy.

The first person to lay eyes on Ginny happened to be none other than Harry Potter. Ginny blushed at its unpredictability.

" Oh, Harry." She said softly, but not without coyness.

Harry did not speak. Obviously he had already lost the ability to speak and think at the same time the moment he saw Virginia. Virginia smiled understandingly.

" I know what you're thinking, Harry." Virginia said sympathetically. " You don't have to say it."

Harry did.

" Oh, God, I love you!" His unconditional confession of amorous devotion could surely be heard all over the universe, as he dropped down on one desolate knee. Ginny blinked back tears.

" You mustn't."

" Why not?" He asked.

" It's not right." Virginia said.

" Why not?" He repeated, more desperately.

" Because!" Virginia's face suddenly crossed into irritation. The boy was so persistent, wasn't he? " The author has someone else planned for me! Now beat it, before I put a restraining order on you!"

Ginny, feeling sick over the thought of Harry James Potter, swayed her hips away from him, innately wondering how in the world she could ever love such a boy. It was clear now that she could do loads better than him.

Next on Ginny's mission to spread awareness of her newly acquired beauty, she met Colin Creevey. He too was immediately smitten with her, and used up 10 rolls of film in 5 minutes.

" Work with me, work with me!" He cried, inspired. But Ginny was growing bored again. He could only take so many pictures.

" Colin." Ginny began rather haughtily. " If you take another picture of me, I shall sue you for harassment."

Colin grudgingly locked himself up in the bathroom-turned-darkroom and did not reappear for a month.

Everyone in the audience blanched, wondering if poor Colin was living off of moldy toilet water.

They booed Ginny out of the scene.

But Ginny's next victim would not submit so easily. The reason was that the author was really quite sick of this plot, parody or not, and because Draco Malfoy had threatened to hurt her if she injured his dignity.

" Here I am." Ginny said loftily, draping her arms across the library table where Slytherin Draco Malfoy sat.

" There you are." Draco admitted. She was right. She was very much there, interrupting his precious study time. " But if you leave, I'll be much happier." He added.

Ginny stared for a moment, before laughing.

" Ha," She laughed airily. " Of course you don't want me gone, silly."

Draco wondered if she suffered from temporary (or maybe not so temporary) insanity.

" How rude of you to assume that I want you here, Weasley." Draco said coolly. Cynics everywhere were impressed beyond reasoning, and nearly turned into Draco fangirls. Thank the lord they did not. " If you need to know—I think you're scum."

" How dare you!" Ginny screeched, scandalized. How could anyone object to her? She was perfect! The epitome of a human being!

" I'm your dream woman, Draco!" She said, her luscious lips drooping down into a pout. " It was meant to be since the beginning of the script!"

" I don't believe in script." Draco said dismissively, now desperately trying to wedge his potions homework from under Ginny.

" Augh! You can't not want me. It's against the law of nature, Draco." Ginny protested once again. Her arms flung out to wrap around Draco's neck.

" Marry me." She offered. Surely he could not resist. She flipped her silky hair for measure, though.

Draco considered for a moment.

" No." He said cheerfully.

" Demon!" Ginny accused. Bitter tears streamed down her cheek. " Some evil power bestowed upon you gives you the ability to refute my charms!"

" Wow, I must admit, I am a little impressed by your arrogance, Weasley." Draco said indifferently. " Perhaps you belong in Slytherin."

" Please?" Ginny inquired once more. " Please marry me?"

Draco clucked his tongue.

" Then again, maybe not a Slytherin." Draco shrugged. " You did use the P word."

Ginny fell from the table in despair. Flying from the library in desolation, her lonely shrieks could be heard from Gryffindor Tower. Everyone wept and generally wore a lot of black henceforth.

" Why, Hermione—why did he refuse me?" She asked, pounding the bed. Hermione shook her head.

" I should have warned you, my little dumpling. Draco Malfoy is the only one in the school with a built in anti-mary sue charm."

" I don't know what that is, but it must be it!" Ginny agreed half-heartedly.

It turned out that Mary Sue Ginny did not dominate everyone's affections in this story. But then again, the author is stupid for not really ending it in D/G.

So:

Suddenly, Draco came bursting in the girls' dormitory, aided by some strange magic. He grabbed Ginny and kissed her, sweeping her off her feet. Hermione swooned and clapped her hands.

_And then_ he presented her with a ring and they got married and had fourteen lovely, strawberry blonde haired, cynical children.

THE END   
  
Moral: Some girls really do have it all.

But most don't.

**A/N:** I'd be a bit closer to having it all if you reviewed.


	4. Deflowering

**A/N:** Hey, after this, what about a PotC/HP cross-over chapter? We'll see if we can get Jack, Barbosa, Will, Elizabeth (and perhaps Norrington) to guest star.

**Be My Frickin' Valentine**

** Part IV **

**Summary:** Draco Malfoy, Sex God, Adonis, King, Narcissus—whatever you may wish to call him, he always gets what he wants.

Or does he?

(Come on, we've had Mary Sue Ginny, now we need Gary Stu Draco. With clichés.)

--

"Guess what?" Blaise Zabini jumped up and down in excitement. Draco stared.

"People Magazine has voted me Sexiest Man Alive, 5th year running?"

"Other than that," Blaise answered. Draco spread his hands.

"Beats me," he said, before running a comb through his light and silvery platinum blonde hair that glowed in the nonexistent light. As it moved, it shimmered and twinkled and sparkled and the heavens opened so that the angels could sing and--we could go on describing it, but I feel that other authors have done it far more adeptly than I ever could. Let us simply say that Draco Malfoy's hair rocked. Perhaps it should get its own TV Show.

Anyway:

"Ginny Weasley is a virgin!" Blaise's voice rang triumphantly.

Draco's eyes boggled. This changed everything. If Ginny Weasley was a virgin, then that meant—

"Wow, she really is Hogwart's innocent little girl that all the guys should now rally to deflower! For no particular reason! Except that most authors are really horny and this is a perfect way to get R rated D/G action!" Draco reveled. " I guess some rumors are true."

Blaise nodded fervently.

"You should do it, Draco!"

"Why me?" Draco asked modestly. Suspicious audience members booed. Since when was Draco modest, anyway?

"Because," Blaise informed him. "All the girls love you! You're like, hot, even though you're a total jerk who is supposed to have dull gray eyes, pale hair, and a really pointy chin, just like your dad!"

"But Ginny is a Weasley," Draco reasoned.

"So?" Blaise asked dubiously.

"Wouldn't it be odd if she came onto me?"

"Draco!" Blaise was outraged. "What do you think we have UST for? Besides, we really need this fic to be consistent with D/G. If you don't do it, some other dirty bloke will."

Draco stared blankly.

"God, you're right."

And he was off on his new, valiant and noble mission.

--

"Oh, you slut!" Hermione giggled. Ginny giggled too.

"Thanks, whore!" More bubbly giggles.

"Like, I am so glad we have decided to wear our matching leather outfits that are 5 sizes too small, even though the real Hermione would never condone the wear of leather since it entails cruelty to animals, but like, whatever!" Hermione confided, as she watched Ginny examine the size of her breasts.

"Oh, yea, Herm. And like, I, being the self-respecting female character that I am would never go flaunting my bodily attributes. This is why you are so, like, brilliant, you know?"

Hermione chewed her pink gum in thought.

Twenty minutes later, she came up with her answer.

"Yea, Gin! I _am_ brilliant!"

Somewhere, far, far, far away (in a place called The Library), a lonely book by the name of _Hogwarts, A History_, wept in its loneliness as it collected dust.

And somewhere even further away, JKR moaned at the horrible disfigurement of her precious, well-structured characters.

"This is what happens when you let a couple of porn-hungry teenagers take reign!" she cried woefully.

--

Draco stared idly at the mass of fallen girls at his feet.

"Tell me where Ginny Weasley is," he asked one nameless female. She drooled haplessly.

"I'm dying, Draco," she croaked. "Can't you just stay and give me a last goodbye kiss?"

Draco frowned and paused.

"Why are you dying?"

"I've lost too much drool," she said hopelessly. Draco felt a twinge of sympathy.

"Listen," he said. "I know you love me." She sighed in response. "It's natural that you love me. But you need to tell me where Ginny Weasley is."

"She's up in her tower," she said softly, too weak for even jealousy.

Draco's eyes shined with admiration. The girl was probably sitting up in her room with her knitting, making a few socks for her prospective husband, whoever that might be.

Oh, wait. It would be him. After he took deflowered her, of course, destroying her virtues once and for all.

"Yay for debauchery and utter corruption!" Draco pranced along.

--

Smoke rose from the room.

"Damn, this is a good smoke," Hermione rocked herself back and forth. Ginny twitched from next to her.

"Damn straight," Ginny replied. "It takes away all the pain you know?" Her eyes welled up. "Pain that only you can understand, as my only companion."

Hermione nodded and patted Ginny's back.

"Life…life just sucs," she wailed. Everyone in the world wept with her in her misery. Oh, how hard the teenage life was. "It's so frickin' hard! Just yesterday, I messed up my make up 5 times! In turn, I utilized my entire bottle of makeup remover, Hermione. Now I can never take this mask off."

More angst ensued, and the audience bought it, because people love pain. Even when Hermione and Ginny continued to submerge themselves into the darkness of drugs and Other Really Bad Things, like cleaning their dormitory room with excessive use of pine-sol.

"I have a confession to make!" Ginny said one day. Draco was still on his way to her, although she didn't know that.

Hermione listened.

"I'm a virgin!" Ginny threw herself on the bed. Hermione gasped.

"You poor thing!"

"I know! I'm so ashamed! How can I be A Bad Girl if I haven't even lost that?"

Hermione was determined, however.

"We'll get you to, somehow. Somehow, you'll lose your virginity! Even if that means we burn all maps, and run as fast as we can away from it, damn the persistent thing!"

The audience, potent spirits, and Ginny stared in silence. Then:

"Hermione," Ginny declared. "You are like, the smartest!"

--

Draco panted. How hard could it be to find one redhead little girl?

He had gone for days without food, water…his hair! It hadn't had contact with Pantene Pro-V for 48 hours!

He was in the open wilderness now, stumbling away into the desert. Vegetation was growing sparse. There was no water. Nothing.

He had never been so hopeless in his life.

And to top it all, he was seeing illusions now. Several clever mirages were placed in front of him, taking the shape of Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger as they watered their garden. Those bloody mirages thought they were hilarious, didn't they?

"Damn you!" He shouted, charging towards the spiteful mirage.

The mirage turned to stare. And snickered.

'Damn you!" he shouted again. He ran onwards, expecting to run through the shimmering mockeries.

He ran into a solid object.

"Geez, Malfoy, what the hell is wrong with you?" Ginny snapped. She stood dumbfounded with a gardening hoe and a very revealing sundress. "You smell," she said after a moment.

Draco laughed in glee.

"You're real!" he cried, grabbing Ginny by the shoulder. "You are not a figment of my imagination!"

Hermione clucked her tongue.

"You are sad. Don't you know better than to stay out in the sun without a hat, at the very least?"

Hermione whipped out a bottle of sunscreen and blathered it all over Draco's sensitive skin without further ado. Draco didn't care; he let himself be covered by this strange white substance. He let himself be ridiculed by a large straw hat sitting atop his head.

Because he had spotted a most peculiar thing, after all. He was nearly at his goal.

Looking towards the garden, and spotting the sign that read, 'Ginny's Flower', he quickly and deftly reached down and yanked the flower out of the ground, then smashed it within his palms.

"Ha!" he said triumphantly, pumping his fists in the air. "Ha, ha, ha! I am truly great!"

Ginny stared.

"I, DRACO MALFOY, HAVE DEFLOWERED YOU!"

Ginny's mouth gaped as Draco continued to dance around. Bits of sunscreen flew off in many directions. There was not a better feeling than that of accomplishment.

In the distance, however, a large white and disgruntled bird flew over with a package in hand.

"Delivery," it muttered irately. Ginny's confusion grew further as the bird placed in front of Draco and her and basket.

"What's this?" Ginny asked. Even Draco stopped doing the Macarena long enough to look.

"Your baby," the bird sneered.

"My what!" Ginny bellowed. "I can't have a baby! I can't be a Mom! I'm too young! Wah!"

"Sucks to be you," Draco told her cheerfully, his euphoria still not completely gone, now doing the electric slide.

"It's your baby too, bucko," the creature nodded to Draco.

"But—" Draco spluttered. "I don't want a baby! I'm not ready! This is a mistake!"

The bird rolled its eyes.

"Well, that's why you should think before deflowering someone, idiot!"

Turning to Ginny, it muttered, "And you let this freak do the deflowering? GAH, you humans frustrate me!"

Rustling its feathers, the bird flew away.

"Typical young parents! Don't know what the hell they're getting themselves into! Always afraid of commitment!"

And everyone lived happily ever after, including Draco and Ginny Jr.

Moral: Don't let Draco deflower you? No, that's not it…erm, don't listen to storks! Nope, not that either…Save sex until marriage? Nah…Just get familiar with the term 'contraceptives'? Ooh, I know the moral! Never listen to Blaise Zabini! And Fanfiction is BAD!

**A/N:** I lied. Fanfiction is great. It's great because people like you review.


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